1. Don’t jump up and down after sex;
2. Stop drinking coffee unless you want a tiny baby – not such a bad idea considering where it’s coming out;
3. Don’t eat sushi or mouldy cheese;
4. Avoid night-time strolls through the local power plant unless you’re wearing one of these;
5. No flying in the last trimester;
6. Where to buy a convertible cot like this;
But has anyone thought of creating an equally gripping list for the pregnantly-challenged? Well, hardly. Here are my findings after an exhaustive search:
Betty: “How to make an egg stick”
Google: “Gypsy Horse Embryo Transfer”
Betty: “How to crack an egg in your embryo”
Google: “”When you crack an egg, and it has red in it, What does it Mean?” or “Chicken Incubator”
Betty: How to stay pregnant on IVF
Google: “Congratulations on your pregnancy through IVF. I too am pregnant with no. 2 thanks to IVF… I don’t know how people stay sane with multiple babies…”
Betty: “What the hell to do while waiting for the eggs to crack”
Google: “mamamia: “Just hurry up and get yourself some sperm, will you!””
All very helpful, you know. Although I did get a couple of interesting hints about what to do after the embryo transfer.
1. Invest in some embryo glue – so when I’m at Bunnings, which aisle do you think I should check?
2. Eat tonnes of pineapple – fresh – not out of a can.
So here I am, at the end of an Aussie Summer, glueless but eating loads of $5 pineapples from Safeway that tastes remarkably like what you’d expect a $5 pineapple from Safeway to taste like at the end of summer. Still, I won’t be faulted for not trying.