Do I really need to be the freaking best I can be, Oprah? Do I?

Edgar Allen Poe once wrote that “sleep is like a slice of death” and he spoke to me at the very moment I read the line. If I didn’t have to sleep at all, I would be the happiest girl in the world. Problem is, I NEED to sleep. It’s annoying but my brain and body don’t function without a regular supply of around 7 or 8 hours. BORING.

I’m a “keep busy” junkie. I’m a multitasker. I can’t watch movies with subtitles because I have to pick up slipped stitches. The footy? As long as I can crochet something. I read about marketing my blog while watching Survivor and downloading Modern Family. Don’t get me wrong, I can sit still for hours. Just don’t ask me to meditate unless I can do the crossword.

Over the past decade or so, I’ve been on a massive self-discovery bent. It started with the magazine (TRM), I then wanted to be a photographer, a jeweller, a roller derby chick, a journalist, a teacher, an Indian head masseuse (well, an Italian version), an interior decorator (that only lasted a day, in my head), a property developer (looked at property, JJ and I bought some), a writer, a craft teacher, a tap dancer, an embroidery artist (yes, an artist), a doll maker, a circus performer, tap dancer, screen printer, jeweller and, finally, a life coach.

It’s been freaking expensive. Because I hate to over think things, I tend to make decisions and just jump into it and go and buy everything I need to be a complete success in the field. But I also tend to get bored very quickly. I took a resin jewellery class and decided that it was an easy way to make money. Man, resin is messy. Community teacher seemed to fit right in with wanting to contribute something and I love beading and that sort of thing. But the bureaucracy nearly killed me. I don’t do rules and forms. Massaging heads made my hands ache, making dolls was fun but I don’t like to make the same thing twice, and so I came to life coaching just over a year ago and I’ve loved it. But I’ve come to realise that I don’t necessarily want to be a life coach. I hate it when people don’t do the best and most obvious thing that would be right for them. I know it’s not about me! But anyway…

I’m tired of it all. JJ’s life mission is simple – be happy. And the thing is, he really is a positive person and that’s what he imparts to the world. People who spend enough time with him find themselves lured into his cheerful glow. But what’s a barren, black-hole-kinda-girl to do? My God! I have spent years and thousands of dollars looking for inspiration. I’ve written lists and I’ve set countless goals, some of which I’ve actually achieved, like losing weight or renovating…

The things is, the more goals I write, the more I realise that I haven’t got around to all of my goals and the more I try to improve myself, the more I realise that I have a long way to go. I may never get there at all! And then what? They say that on their deathbed, nobody ever wished they’d spent more time at the office. I wonder, does anyone wish they’d made another quilt? Another million bucks? Another website? I read on the weekend that self-help is making people depressed. Of course it is!

Seriously, there’s a lot of pressure to be the BEST YOU CAN BE! By whose definition? I cleanse, tone and moisturise but I don’t floss. I walk a little but don’t exercise. I read novels but hate opera. I watch a lot of tele but can’t tell you what I’ve watched after five minutes. I don’t work well in groups but you can call me any time if you need a shoulder. I’ve got fun hair and am somewhat bipolar but have managed to stay married for nearly 16 years. I hate excuses but can lie with the best of them (especially my mum). I have no children but didn’t upgrade my mobile phone for 3 years. I’m always worried about weight but I’m only sometimes skinny. I let my dogs sleep on the bed and love to sneeze with my whole body. I recycle for the most part but I’m crap with water saving. I love shoes but don’t wax my eyebrows very often. I hate going to bed but love sleeping and the last thing I do on the weekend is the big-ass crossword in the Sunday Age. I’m afraid this is the best I can be. And I’m ok with it.