Day 9 – October 9, 2018

The one where they teach us about self-compassion.

Studies have shown that entrepreneurs become entrepreneurs because they want to. But, the ones who remain successful are those who are self-compassionate in times of hardship or failure.

Wait, am I writing from my groups book? No, this is a thing I learned.

Is this why Jeff is so successful? Because he is self-compassionate? (I asked him this and he says he’s not always that way).

I don’t think I know what self-compassion looks like. I think it looks egotistical and self-congratulatory and I’ve forgotten the other word.

Here’s what self-compassion looks like on paper and to a therapist:

  • Respect – aka not thinking someone is a dickhead
  • Kindness
  • Being helpful
  • Empathy
  • Temporarily giving someone else priority
  • Being gentle
  • Giving a chance to be heard
  • Listening
  • Offering genuine, kind words
  • Showing genuine affection and support
  • Being non-judgementalThe definition of self-compassion on paper and to a therapist is: Acting the same way towards yourself as you would to others when they are in need.

All I want to do is scream into a pillow like an autistic child, but I don’t think they would like that here.

I do it anyway, and I don’t stop. I literally didn’t stop.

I put a pillow over my head (I think it was supposed to be under my head but it was my first time), and something very strange and primal came out, sounds like I’ve never heard, from a place I didn’t recognise. It just kept coming.

I remember this sort of depression, pre-diagnosis, pre-medication. It’s horrifying. It doesn’t make me feel better and I left a tonne of mascara on the pillow.

The only thing running through my mind is what a weird sound it is, also when will it stop, and will the doctors come and jab me with something or take me to a sicker psych ward.

They soothed me with Seroquil and i fell asleep all day until I soothed myself with Survivor catch ups.

My time here feel squandered. Some say “just rest” but I don’t want to. I want to do something with my time, finish writing my books. Finish reading some books. Otherwise it all feels squandered.

Word of the day: Squandered