Day 12 – October 12 2018 Dissociative

Dissociative Behaviour Disorder

I learned from my shrink this morning that I may be suffering from this too. So many diagnoses at my age!

It does describe perfectly how I feel when I become a bully, and yell, get angry and all that.

It’s like I see myself from above, or below, or beside or wherever. I see what is happening, what I’m saying, or writing to people, and I don’t even know how to stop, like it’s coming from a place that’s not me. I just keep saying things or doing things, or writing things. I’m not saying that I’m Sybil or anything, but the diagnosis makes sense.

So because of my anger last night I’ve isolated myself all day.
It’s either passive or aggressive.
Or it’s fear.
Or it’s just easy.

People talk about the same shit in here. They talk about depression. I’m sick of the same conversations. My psych and my counsellor say it’s my inability to tolerate things. Like when I check out of meetings when they get boring.

I was never shown how to tolerate things. My dad never tolerated a single thing, especially lateness.. But I just don’t think I care.

I’ve had headphones when I leave my room so that even if I’m not listening to anything people will ignore me and I can ignore them because, you know, I can’t hear them.

My shrink says it’s because I’ve never really learned to grow up, to mature.

I want to go home but my shrink says I’m not ready. I don’t know why. I’m not doing anything different here. I hide in my room.

Most of the inmates have been here tonnes of times. One woman with kids and who’s only in her 30s says she’s spent 6 months in total out of the last two years here.

Isn’t that proof that none of this works?

I didn’t take any valium today. Tomorrow will be a different story. I’m catching up with friends for Jeff’s birthday. I will take all the valium.