Posted on March 6, 2017
I’ve been abandoned, and I have abandoned. Here’s the list:
Bernadette Luvara – I left town with my parents when I was 10. We didn’t have Facebook. Sorry.
Nicolina Grimaldi – I felt superior. I didn’t respect you. Sorry.
Nancy Camarda – I left for uni. I felt like a loser. Like you wouldn’t get me. Sorry.
Maree Lavecchia – We were everything. We loved. I left. You cursed me. Sorry.
Anna Lazarevic – You had a kid. You didn’t get me. I felt judged. Sorry.
Connie Athanasiadis – You had a kid. I didn’t get you. You resented me. Sorry.
Rachael Kacen – You had a kid. I hated it. Sorry.
Samone Bos – I don’t understand. I’m jealous. Sorry.
Posted on March 6, 2017
Would you like to some Australian/Italian coming-of-age fiction set in Victoria in the 1970s? My novel, “Floating Upstream”, has been enrolled in the 2017 Smashwords “Read an Ebook” promotion, which means it’s FREE for a few days, as is my book of poems and short stories, “Girls”. My writing focuses on girls and women who are less than perfect, and simply trying to work shit out in a culture that doesn’t want them to grow and move on.
You can find both ebooks here. Simply use the code SFREE and download for free!
I’d love to hear your feedback. I’m on Goodreads here.
Posted on February 19, 2017
So I read about The 100 List recently. Sounds like a bucket list kind of thing but it’s a little different. It’s not a list of things you hope to do before you die. It’s a list of 100 things you will do while you’re alive.
Same Same but Different?
So this is a keynote speech from the guy who decided to do this, Seb Terry.
I’m working on my list right now, with some help from the interwebs.
- Abseil Down a Waterfall
- Attend a Murder Mystery Dinner
- Attend a Music Festival
- Attend a Unique Small-Town Festival
- Attend a Vipashna Retreat
- Be a Bridesmaid
- Be a Game Show Contestant
- Be a Member of a TV Studio Audience
- Be a Self-Made Millionaire
- Be on a Radio Show
- Be on a TV Show
- Be the the New York Times Bestsellers List
- Bid at an Auction
- Bird Nest Soup
- Blow Glass
- Bone Marrow
- Catch, Cook & Eat a Fish
- Century Egg
- Climb an Indoor Rock Wall
- Complete a big embroidery to hang on the wall
- Create an embroidered wall hanging
- Dance at a Rave
- Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) | Mexico
- Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) | Mexico
- Do a Belly Dance
- Do a Charity Walk
- Do the Hollywood Walk of Fame | California
- Do the Hula
- Donate Books
- Donate Clothing
- Drink Absinthe
- Drink Juice from a Fresh Coconut
- Eat a Meal Cooked by a Celebrity Chef
- Eat a Raw Diet for a Day
- Eat an Insect
- Eat at a Food Truck
- Eat at a Michelin 3-star Restaurant
- Eat Fondu
- Eat Fondue
- Eat in a Pitch Black Restaurant
- Enter Something in a Food Competition
- Explore a Rain Forest
- Explore the Acropolis | Greece
- Explore the Ancient Ruins of Petra | Jordan
- Explore the Galapagos Islands | Ecuador
- Explore the Van Gogh Museum | Netherlands
- Extract Honey from a Bee Hive
- FESTIVALS & EVENTS
- FESTIVALS & EVENTS
- Float in the Dead Sea | Jordan/Israel
- Fly First Class on Emirates
- Fly in a Helicopter
- Fly on a Trapeze
- Foster animals
- French Quarter | New Orleans
- Get a Caricature Drawing by a Street Artist
- Get a College Degree
- Get a Fish Pedicure
- Get a great book publishing deal
- Get a Henna Tattoo | India
- Get a Tattoo
- Get a Tattoo
- Get Acupuncture
- Get Hypnotized
- Get my PADI license and go diving
- Give a Ted Talk
- Go caving
- Go on a Cruise
- Go on a Cruise
- Go to a Drive-In Movie
- Go to a Health Spa
- Go to a Tattoo Festival
- Go to the Movies by Myself
- Go whitewater rafting
- Grand Central Station | New York
- Have 15 Minutes of Fame
- Have a Facial
- Have a Housecleaner
- Have my brows threaded
- Helicopter into the Grand Canyon | Arizona
- Hike the Inca Trail | Peru
- Hike Through the Crooked Forest | Poland
- Host a dinner party with strangers
- Hug a panda
- Hunt for Wild Mushrooms
- Jelly Fish
- Join a Flash Mob
- Kite Surf
- Learn about gypsy healing
- Learn French
- Learn Roller Derby
- Learn Spanish
- Learn the Alphabet in Sign Language
- Learn the German Wheel
- Learn the Hula | Hawaii
- Learn to play guitar to a level of satisfaction
- Learn to play piano to a level of satisfaction
- Learn to surf
- Learn to Tango with Jeff
- Learn ukulele
- Leave My Mark in Graffiti
- Lose weight and keep it off once and for all
- Make a Wish in the Trevi Fountain | Italy
- Make Mosaic Art
- Make pottery/ceramics
- Make Soap
- Marvel at Plitvice Lakes | Croatia
- Meet Dr Phil
- Own a Successful Business
- Own an Original Piece of Artwork
- Own Investment Real Estate
- Own Julia DeVille Jewellery
- Participate in a Japanese Tea Ceremony
- Play a Pinball Machine
- Play a Song on a Harmonica
- Play Bingo at a Bingo Hall
- Publish all the books I write
- Raw Oysters
- Read 15 books a year
- Record a Song
- Relax in a Natural Hot Spring
- Renovate our home and finally just enjoy it
- Ride a Camel
- Ride a Segway
- Ride in a Gondola
- Ride in a Hot Air Balloon
- Ride in a Tuk Tuk
- Ride on a Cable Car
- Ride on a Scary Roller Coaster
- Ride on a Subway
- Sea Urchin
- See a Broadway Play
- See a Cirque du Soleil Show
- See a Coral Reef
- See a Las Vegas Show
- See a TED Talk Live
- See Cappadocia’s Fairy Chimneys | Turkey
- See Gaudi’s La Sagrada Familia | Spain
- See Patti Smith perform Horses
- See the Dalai Lama
- See the Eiffel Tower Glitter at Night | France
- See the Hanging Temple in Mount Hengshan | China
- See the Mona Lisa at the Louvre | France
- See the Northern Lights | Alaska
- See the Pamukkale Hot Springs | Turkey
- See the Pyramids of Giza | Egypt
- Sell everything (ok, 80%) of my belongings
- Shoot a gun
- Sing a Karaoke Duet
- Sing Karaoke in Berlin
- Sleep in a Treehouse
- Sleep in a Yurt
- Sleep in an Overnight Train
- Smoke a Hookah
- Snorkel/dive the Underwater Museum | Mexico
- Stand in Front of the Taj Mahal | India
- Stand Under a Waterfall
- Start a Blog
- Start a Blog
- Start a Charity/Foundation
- Stay Awake for 24 Hours
- Stay in an Underwater Hotel
- Step Foot in all 7 Continents
- Swim in Jellyfish Lake | Palau
- Swim with Pink Dolphins | Amazon
- Take the Walk of Faith, Tianmen Mountain | China
- Take a Self-portrait photo of myself on the 1st of the month for as long as I desire.
- Tap Dance
- Times Square | New York
- Touch a Pyramid
- Touch a Tarantula
- Tour a Mayan Ruin
- Travel to India, Nepal and Tibet
- Try Bikram Yoga
- Try Cupping Therapy
- Visit a Temple
- Visit the White House | Washington DC
- Visit the Winchester House in California
- Volunteer at an archeological dig
- Walk a Suspension Bridge
- Walk on Hot Coals
- Walk on Stilts
- Walk the Great Wall of China | China
- Walk the Las Vegas Strip | Nevada
- Wear Colored Contacts
- Write 20 books
- Write a Children’s Book
- Write a cookbook
- Write a Love Note with Lipstick on the Bathroom Mirror
- Write a Song
- Write my Name in Wet Cement
Posted on December 19, 2016
Sometimes you want to disappear into your made up worlds. You want to have all of their lack of give-a-shits.
You want to much more than this thing you have now.
You feel owed.
Why are you still fat?
Why aren’t you successful?
Why do you hate it when someone looks over your shoulder to see what I’m doing?
What is your truth?
You’re incapable of creating when you’re here and now.
What happens when you’re fixed? Do you become irrelevant?
Do you die?
Posted on August 3, 2016
One day looks like the other day
Looks the same as tomorrow
Eat shit bullshit repeat
Joy is pretend
Found between the sofa cushions with a bunch of stale unsalted peanuts and one sugared almond
Joy’s the sugared almond
Costs a bunch and rots your teeth
Joy’s elusive, not an unsalted peanut which is everywhere
Like a sugared almond, Joy is for special occasions
And they’re distant as a memory
Repetition is a pack of unsalted peanuts
Always on sale
The olds buy them in bulk packets with bland labels
Everyone can afford repetition
‘s’just that I don’t want it
Day as today as yesterday as tomorrow.
Posted on August 3, 2016
Today I cried and made a choice.
Today I chose the wrong way but I know I chose it.
There’s nothing like walking into your bedroom to find your lover staring at the wall, defeated.
Because I made a choice.
He didn’t like.
At least I’m not a lamp made of skin.
I heard this. I don’t own it. I’m not Jewish.
But I’m told I lived in a kind of concentration camp.
I feel nervous at this because I’m not sure anyone is allowed to own the idea of the concentration camp unless they are Jewish.
But it resembled one – albeit with food and school and the rest of it.
My therapist describes my concentration camp as a solitary life, where a child cooks for herself from the age of six, where she has no friends, no family, not until after 5. Where bullies were the norm. Where she sat at the front of the bus, the low seat next to the driver. Where she was the last kid off the one hour bus ride home.
My therapist tells me that my concentration camp looks lonely. Where the adults are unpredictable, even in anger. Anger involves oranges flung at mum. Unpredictable anger where a car is driven towards a pole. Unpredictable anger who didn’t come home until late at night. Mum was sad an lonely and thought she was responsible for killing her mother, but didn’t worry about how she was killing me.
I don’t know who I am. Stories flood my brain and I don’t know what’s real and what’s a lie. My dreams feel more real than my memories, at times.
I made a choice tonight and I’ll live with it.
I grabbed a bottle and chose to drink it.
Should I feel bad that I feel great for the first time in months?
How did I make my therapist cry?
What does it mean?
I feel like everything I tell him is a lie.
What is it?
I’m told no at every turn.
And it makes me 15 again, want to say “fuck you, even if I agree, I’m saying yes”.
No to painting the bathroom blue.
No to more cats.
No to more dogs.
No to making.
Posted on July 14, 2016
This morning (a Sunday) I made the decision to stay in bed and read, fart around on Facebook, write a pros and cons list, watch my dogs sleep, play with the cat until she tries to kill me… you get the drift.
Because, seriously, making decisions is hard!
Posted on March 5, 2016
So I don’t usually believe in astrology.
I know that certain signs conform to certain traits, but I certainly don’t read my daily astrology because, who cares?
But I DO believe in TWO major astrological phenomena:
1. The Saturn Return.
2. Mercury Retrograde.
Why? Well I reckon it’s because these are the two stages of life that actually manage to FUCK UP YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. And seeing that Mercury is my ruling planet, I’m easily influenced whether I know it or not.
What’s happened to make me want to say this shit?
- I was alone 3 weeks ago and started to cry. I’m on anti-depressants and have NOT cried in years. So it freaked me out and I decided I wanted to die so I drank a tonne-load and took a tonne-load of random pills. Luckily, I sent fucked up messages to my friends and they passed them onto Jeff. One of my bestest friends and, well, she’s like a daughter, came over and let herself in the house with her keys and sat with me with her new girlfriend until Jeff came home.
- A week ago, I was feeling so amazing that I decided to drink and take an extra dose of my antidepressants so I could feel more amazing for longer. (You know like when you take E and then chase it with another after another looking for the initial high?) Instead, I became psychotic. I screamed like a banshee, bit and hit my husband, screamed for the neighbours because I was convinced he was trying to kill me (he was not), he called 000 and the ambulance came and took me to hospital. I was a version of me I haven’t been since I was 17-19. It wasn’t even scary to me. It was just a real feeling. I simply stopped caring what happened to me. I begged for my beautiful Holly to be there and she came without a thought. Jeff tells me that I flipped off the (very nice) nurses when I discovered they could not keep me in hospital because I was there voluntarily.
- I went to a drug and alcohol centre to be interviewed for options. I am desperate now.
Those are the three crazy events. Also, though,
4. I also heard back from a local writing mentorship group I’d applied for that I have been shortlisted for their mentoring group and went to an interview yesterday.
See? Mercury Retrograde! Anything is possible.
The first day back at work after the hospital visit was hard. I didn’t know how to behave like a normal person after what happened. How do you just act normal after that?
I also didn’t know how to thank and apologise to the people who were there for me. I still don’t know.
I’ve learned a few big things.
- I used to love making things. After the first nervous breakdown three weeks ago, I sewed and crocheted like a crazy person in a crazy ward. I’ve missed this shit.
- I’ve decided to live/eat/be locally. There is an amazing community in Melbourne’s West, many of whom I’ve met through our shop and various businesses in the neighbourhood.
- I want to make a chicken coop and I want chickens and home made eggs cos they’re rad.
- We’re eating at home more, thanks to Hello Fresh. Seriously, we haven’t thrown away food since we started our food box/recipe deliveries. Get on it.
- I’ve been to my psychiatrist 3 or 4 times in the last couple of weeks and given the cost (no private health insurance so that’s around $140 out of pocket every visit), I wonder how people who have little income can manage their mental health.
- I need to drink less. Drinking is my current habit of choice. I’ve had many that I won’t bore myself with. Reminders are so yesterday.
- Facebook is great for communicating with actual friends and for asking questions of groups you’re into. Everything else is bad news for me, so I’ve removed the visible widget from my phone.
- A friend’s sister killed herself a few weeks ago and talking to her made me realise how hard suicide is on the people who remain. Suicide isn’t selfish. It feels like the only option, sometimes, but your friends and family will never recover, and that’s really sad.
I’m retelling all of this not for some narcissitic reason but because we look normal on the outside. But there’s always something happening inside.
Thanks for supporting me.
See this pic for this post with the woman and the birds? That’s how I want to feel!
Posted on November 18, 2015
This one time, when I was twelve, I burned a book. Not a book with cover – no back nor front – but a book, anyway. The book contained 112 pages of angst the size of a high school basketball court. I don’t regret it. Not now. It was probably a pile of shit the size of a high school football field.
Years later, I sold 523 books at a garage sale to make room for 522 piles of shit in my 4-car garage. Not a single one of those 522 items could fill the void made by those books. In the meantime, I have turfed 519 of those piles of shit from my garage, and the three remaining don’t fill as much as a match box.
Posted on October 26, 2015
This, poem, written by Rimbaud when he was 16, inspired by Jules Verne’s Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, will inspire my next novel. Not so much the poem itself, but the poet, and his life. I came across him via Patti Smith.
Rimbaud stopped writing by the time he was 21, and I need to know why.
As I was floating down unconcerned Rivers
I no longer felt myself steered by the haulers:
Gaudy Redskins had taken them for targets
Nailing them naked to coloured stakes.
I cared nothing for all my crews,
Carrying Flemish wheat or English cottons.
When, along with my haulers those uproars were done with
The Rivers let me sail downstream where I pleased.
Into the ferocious tide-rips
Last winter, more absorbed than the minds of children,
I ran! And the unmoored Peninsulas
Never endured more triumphant clamourings
The storm made bliss of my sea-borne awakenings.
Lighter than a cork, I danced on the waves
Which men call eternal rollers of victims,
For ten nights, without once missing the foolish eye of the harbor lights!
Sweeter than the flesh of sour apples to children,
The green water penetrated my pinewood hull
And washed me clean of the bluish wine-stains and the splashes of vomit,
Carrying away both rudder and anchor.
And from that time on I bathed in the Poem
Of the Sea, star-infused and churned into milk,
Devouring the green azures; where, entranced in pallid flotsam,
A dreaming drowned man sometimes goes down;
Where, suddenly dyeing the bluenesses, deliriums
And slow rhythms under the gleams of the daylight,
Stronger than alcohol, vaster than music
Ferment the bitter rednesses of love!
I have come to know the skies splitting with lightnings, and the waterspouts
And the breakers and currents; I know the evening,
And Dawn rising up like a flock of doves,
And sometimes I have seen what men have imagined they saw!
I have seen the low-hanging sun speckled with mystic horrors.
Lighting up long violet coagulations,
Like the performers in very-antique dramas
Waves rolling back into the distances their shiverings of venetian blinds!
I have dreamed of the green night of the dazzled snows
The kiss rising slowly to the eyes of the seas,
The circulation of undreamed-of saps,
And the yellow-blue awakenings of singing phosphorus!
I have followed, for whole months on end, the swells
Battering the reefs like hysterical herds of cows,
Never dreaming that the luminous feet of the Marys
Could force back the muzzles of snorting Oceans!
I have struck, do you realize, incredible Floridas
Where mingle with flowers the eyes of panthers
In human skins! Rainbows stretched like bridles
Under the seas’ horizon, to glaucous herds!
I have seen the enormous swamps seething, traps
Where a whole leviathan rots in the reeds!
Downfalls of waters in the midst of the calm
And distances cataracting down into abysses!
Glaciers, suns of silver, waves of pearl, skies of red-hot coals!
Hideous wrecks at the bottom of brown gulfs
Where the giant snakes devoured by vermin
Fall from the twisted trees with black odours!
I should have liked to show to children those dolphins
Of the blue wave, those golden, those singing fishes.
– Foam of flowers rocked my driftings
And at times ineffable winds would lend me wings.
Sometimes, a martyr weary of poles and zones,
The sea whose sobs sweetened my rollings
Lifted its shadow-flowers with their yellow sucking disks toward me
And I hung there like a kneeling woman…
Almost an island, tossing on my beaches the brawls
And droppings of pale-eyed, clamouring birds,
And I was scudding along when across my frayed cordage
Drowned men sank backwards into sleep!
But now I, a boat lost under the hair of coves,
Hurled by the hurricane into the birdless ether,
I, whose wreck, dead-drunk and sodden with water,
neither Monitor nor Hanse ships would have fished up;
Free, smoking, risen from violet fogs,
I who bored through the wall of the reddening sky
Which bears a sweetmeat good poets find delicious,
Lichens of sunlight [mixed] with azure snot,
Who ran, speckled with lunula of electricity,
A crazy plank, with black sea-horses for escort,
When Julys were crushing with cudgel blows
Skies of ultramarine into burning funnels;
I who trembled, to feel at fifty leagues’ distance
The groans of Behemoth’s rutting, and of the dense Maelstroms
Eternal spinner of blue immobilities
I long for Europe with it’s aged old parapets!
I have seen archipelagos of stars! and islands
Whose delirious skies are open to sailor:
– Do you sleep, are you exiled in those bottomless nights,
Million golden birds, O Life Force of the future? –
But, truly, I have wept too much! The Dawns are heartbreaking.
Every moon is atrocious and every sun bitter:
Sharp love has swollen me up with heady langours.
O let my keel split! O let me sink to the bottom!
If there is one water in Europe I want, it is the
Black cold pool where into the scented twilight
A child squatting full of sadness, launches
A boat as fragile as a butterfly in May.
I can no more, bathed in your langours, O waves,
Sail in the wake of the carriers of cottons,
Nor undergo the pride of the flags and pennants,
Nor pull past the horrible eyes of the hulks.