Everyone has plenty of advice about how to get knocked up and how to stay that way, how to determine the sex of your seed, how to stop yourself from throwing everything up, and the rest of it:
1. Don’t jump up and down after sex;
2. Stop drinking coffee unless you want a tiny baby – not such a bad idea considering where it’s coming out;
3. Don’t eat sushi or mouldy cheese;
4. Avoid night-time strolls through the local power plant unless you’re wearing one of these;
5. No flying in the last trimester;
6. Where to buy a convertible cot like this;
But has anyone thought of creating an equally gripping list for the pregnantly-challenged? Well, hardly. Here are my findings after an exhaustive search:
Betty: “How to make an egg stick”
Google: “Gypsy Horse Embryo Transfer”
Betty: “How to crack an egg in your embryo”
Google: “”When you crack an egg, and it has red in it, What does it Mean?” or “Chicken Incubator”
Betty: How to stay pregnant on IVF
Google: “Congratulations on your pregnancy through IVF. I too am pregnant with no. 2 thanks to IVF… I don’t know how people stay sane with multiple babies…”
Betty: “What the hell to do while waiting for the eggs to crack”
Google: “mamamia: “Just hurry up and get yourself some sperm, will you!””
All very helpful, you know. Although I did get a couple of interesting hints about what to do after the embryo transfer.
1. Invest in some embryo glue – so when I’m at Bunnings, which aisle do you think I should check?
2. Eat tonnes of pineapple – fresh – not out of a can.
So here I am, at the end of an Aussie Summer, glueless but eating loads of $5 pineapples from Safeway that tastes remarkably like what you’d expect a $5 pineapple from Safeway to taste like at the end of summer. Still, I won’t be faulted for not trying.