A different kind of list – ***warning – gloomy blog ahead

Why didn’t the paper arrive at 6 like it’s supposed to?

Why do I have to catch a bus this morning when I drove the car in for no reason yesterday?

Why is it so bitterly cold when I’ve forgotten to bring a scarf?

Am I going to lose these 5 (or so) kilos?

Why did he just ignore me last night even after I told him that I got my period?

Why am I a PT loser when everyone else has a car space?

Why would I want to drive to work anyway?

Why doesn’t Jazzy Jeff write songs for ME?

Why hasn’t Jazzy Jeff knitted ME a scarf?

Why didn’t we try to have kids earlier? Who do I think I am trying to get knocked up at my age? This isn’t Hollywood.

No amount of super embryo glue is going to make them stick.

If we don’t have kids, then what? A joyous lifetime of sitting in front of the tele (or computer) sewing cats and owls and stuff for other babies?

They all say that you can have a perfectly fulfilling life without kids. If I haven’t managed to have one up until now, why would it suddenly get better? Who are they trying to kid? Are these the same people who tell us that being single is the better choice?

I guess this is what I get for all those years of barracking for the underdog. When Collingwood, in the 80s, were known to have the “Collywobbles”, I still paraded around proudly wearing that black and white striped scarf because I thought they would still get there. You always need to live with hope, no matter how stupid it made you feel. Even now, I think, so maybe it’s not really a period, maybe it’s just implantation spotting. Yeah, maybe that.

Am I paying for something? My friend RoRo went to Catholic School so she would know all about this. Maybe I didn’t confess enough. Maybe I didn’t confess the right stuff. Maybe I’m not actually the underdog. Maybe I’m just an asshole and this is what you get. Oprah said that you get given exactly what you need. What I need? So lemme see here. What’s my lesson? That even after $10000, 5 months, 3 cycles, a few extra kilos, 20 (more or less) injections (not counting blood tests), 6 eggs, 3 embryo transfers, 2 negative pregnancy tests, even after all of that, you simply have no guarantee of anything. Meanwhile crack whores of the world are churning out future crack whores. Halleluiah.

Am I sounding like a victim? You tell me. Apologies if I don’t care though. But when you let me know, by all means, tell me not to worry, to keep trying, never give up, of course I’ve only just started, it’ll happen eventually, I’m still relatively young – relatively. Oh, and my favourite – life’s better without kids (thanks for that one, mum). So don’t expect me to be grateful for you well-intentioned but terribly misdirected advice.

But on the plus side, it will mean big things for my employer because what do I do when I’m upset? Well naturally, chin up and keep on trucking.