Day 17 – October 17 2018

The first half of today is brought to you by the live version of:

Well this morning can just go and fuck itself in the holes.

I go to group. I upset people. I think people are pussies and just way too sensitive and should grow a pair. Remember all the quiet people in class at school who never put up their hand and it just meant that the class went slowly and you got so bored? Well that’s what group was like. And me, well I was already in a shitty mood and did all the things the old teenage me used to do: eye rolls, sighing, you know; don’t pretend you didn’t do it and don’t still, now and again.

It’s like I enjoy their discomfort. I try to think of a time when someone has done the same to me, and I can’t. Actually I think there was one time, at an old job, but I just thought she was a cunty young girl (I was in my early 30s by then and she was mid 20s so, you know). She made me fee like shit, but I simply despised her. Instead, people are so sensitive to my bad behaviour, and I HATE weak people. Yes, that’s what I’ve come to realise. I honestly have a hard time with weak people, the over-pleasers, the “may I” people.

It all gets back to my shrink. They report things. So my homework is to practice the STOP technique. I will take a moment before I react, maybe even take a literal step back. Gah. Homework!

Jeff came to visit and we’re getting back into having conversations. It’s the lack of distractions. When we get home from work, we keep on working, distracting ourselves. So many of us do it – we keep working, or sit and watch tv, scroll through social media. Of course we can’t have conversations – we haven’t done or experienced anything new to have conversations about.

He asked me why I publish this blog. Why I want people to read it?

My answer is always the same: To feel less alone.

We’re all lonely at times, and all we see of each others’ lives are the great moments on social media. We forget that everyone has shitty days, sad days, stressful days, long work days because we just see a teeny slice that’s usually fun or funny. So we wonder: “Is it just me? Am I the only person who’s suffering?”