Day 7 – October 7, 2018 – Day 2 of *The Weekend*

I feel hungover. I can barely open my eyes.

BP 120/70
No standing BP – it’s high enough

When I used to drink, I didn’t really get hangovers, not that I could remember, because I drank vodka with panadol chasers. Someone smart taught me that.

I’m not sure why I write down by blood pressure. I think I take some pride in my usual low BP (not like it is now,but when I’m not here).

Last night made me think of Survivor. You know how people start out with *plans*, but plans to be a different version of themselves so that the others will be *fooled*. But their true colours always come out, just like on Big Brother and the rest of the reality shows.

That’s me. I started out meek and nice, and now look.

I’m a mimicker. I pick on other people’s behaviour. There’s a manic woman here who comes out at night. I become manic. I’m the mob in mob mentality.

I was still awake at 12.30 last night, 2 hours after my night meds, so I asked for more Seroquel. That was a mistake.

If they give me sleep meds so easily, why won’t they give me day meds? Such a conundrum.

Today is Sunday, which is usually a no makeup day for me at home, but I feel it’s not right here. If I let myself go, even if it’s once a week. what else could happen‽ And anyway, I think I need the paint therapy that makeup gives me.

Today is also flush day, my day without Pristiq. It’s a big deal, apparently. Pristiq is like Effexor to come off. They write books about it. Yes, really.

So today will be more brain zappy than the past few weeks have been. My shrink has been weaning me off Pristiq for a while so the zaps have been minor. They will probably be major today and the next few days.

When I took myself off Effexor for 5 days a few years back without telling anyone, I got brain zaps and body zaps and thought I was going crazy. I googled it, and it’s a real thing.

How do you explain brain zaps to someone who has never experienced them?

Here are some ways:

  • Imagine a plastic zipper and it’s continually being opened and closed for a millisecond, then for a second, then 1.2 a second, then 2 seconds. Imagine this in your ear, continually, all day and all night. Now imagine it inside your head.
  • You know those mosquito zappers that people have outside in summer? Imagine one of those going off in your head every 3 seconds, maybe less, but at a slightly lower decibel.

Here’s a sort of example. It’s duller than this but just as constant.

Still on the mood stablilisers – they’ve been working such a treat – so I should be nice and lovely for when Jeff comes to visit later with my baby fluffies.

Right now though – sleepyville.

How many coffee pods does it take to wake up a mental patient?

No, really. How many?

Saw my baby girls and went down to  Werribee river or somewhere. They’re just been brushed out and cleaned up and both Honey and Peaches got filthy in the water and they all got full of burrs and grass seeds. Yay for Jeff’s Sunday night!

We had awesome burgers, fries and onion rings from the Truck Stop Deluxe. Yummmm.

It ended badly when we got back between me and Jeff. I won’t go into it. It was just shit.

Zip Zap Zip Zip.